Domestic Violence
My husband’s daughter experienced a violent environment during her young years while living with her biological mother and then emotional stress in her later years. Her mother has children from different fathers and unfortunately fell into the ugly trap many women do when the relationship does not work out and begins to use the child against the father. For years, my husband battled for visitation and fought a judicial system that was partial to the mother, no matter the circumstances. His daughter and siblings were subjected to domestic violence in the home luckily against the mother and not them at the time. My husband decided to sue for custody and won when she was 7 years old. When she came to live with us, her mother, maternal grandmother, aunts and friends ridiculed her for the new life she had with us as her language changed and she began to speak correctly. They constantly reminded her that I was not her mother and she was not to call me mom even though she wanted to. Then after about 2 months, her mother disappeared for almost a year with no communication whatsoever. The positive that resulted was that my husband’s daughter and I were able to bond and from that built a wonderful relationship over the years. Unfortunately, one of her siblings got involved in gangs and drugs and was killed several years ago at the age of 21. We believe that had she stayed, she would not be the same beautiful young lady she is today. We also believe had her sibling’s father been able to get custody of him, he might be alive today. When my daughter first arrived, we placed her in counseling, made sure she felt a part of our family as we had other children together by this time. She is 19 now and still does not have a good relationship with her maternal side of the family, but it is not because she has not tried or anything we have prevented. I think she has come a long way and has dealt with rejection well because I have always been here to help fill the void she experienced over the years.
My husband’s daughter experienced a violent environment during her young years while living with her biological mother and then emotional stress in her later years. Her mother has children from different fathers and unfortunately fell into the ugly trap many women do when the relationship does not work out and begins to use the child against the father. For years, my husband battled for visitation and fought a judicial system that was partial to the mother, no matter the circumstances. His daughter and siblings were subjected to domestic violence in the home luckily against the mother and not them at the time. My husband decided to sue for custody and won when she was 7 years old. When she came to live with us, her mother, maternal grandmother, aunts and friends ridiculed her for the new life she had with us as her language changed and she began to speak correctly. They constantly reminded her that I was not her mother and she was not to call me mom even though she wanted to. Then after about 2 months, her mother disappeared for almost a year with no communication whatsoever. The positive that resulted was that my husband’s daughter and I were able to bond and from that built a wonderful relationship over the years. Unfortunately, one of her siblings got involved in gangs and drugs and was killed several years ago at the age of 21. We believe that had she stayed, she would not be the same beautiful young lady she is today. We also believe had her sibling’s father been able to get custody of him, he might be alive today. When my daughter first arrived, we placed her in counseling, made sure she felt a part of our family as we had other children together by this time. She is 19 now and still does not have a good relationship with her maternal side of the family, but it is not because she has not tried or anything we have prevented. I think she has come a long way and has dealt with rejection well because I have always been here to help fill the void she experienced over the years.
I have always
wondered about the widespread abuse in Africa and have learned that it is
prevalent in the sub-Saharan region.
More than 40% of the women report regular physical abuse; many are married
and suffer verbally and physically from their husbands and in front of their
children. This is a sad situation
because what the boys are learning is that it’s ok for the husband to abuse his
wife and it’s teaching the girls that this is what you should expect from your
husband. As parent, we need to be cognizant
of the impact our actions have on the course of our children’s lives.
References:
http://www.advocatesforyouth.org/publications/publications-a-z/457-sexual-abuse-and-violence-in-sub-saharan-africa
Dianna,
ReplyDeleteThank you for speaking so eloquently and openly about the abuse your daughter was exposed to. I want to commend you for how you were so open to her, and received her with an open heart. You have made a difference for her, and that should be recognized. I also appreciated your findings on the abuse in Africa. It is staggering that 40% of women report abuse…which means that there are still more who do not report any type of abuse, but are still living in that situation. Great post.
Kate
Wow, Dianna that is a truly deep story. I always wondered how the children will eventually grow up after seeing those horrific images at home. Through your words, I got to see both sides. The positive side, where you daughter had the opportunity to turn her life around and make something of herself because she was removed from the situation young enough were it was still hope for her; and the negative side were her brother end up being involved in violent crimes and eventually getting killed because of the violence he saw at home.
ReplyDeleteSometimes, I think as women and mothers we often forget the impact our decisions hurt our kids and we are just worried about the happiness we seek at the moment. I am glad that your daughter is doing well and from reading your story it looks like she has a bright future ahead of her.